Sitting On The Edge

The ray of sun touches my face
The moment is so beautiful that I wish I could save
The sun emerges with a slow pace
A comfortable warm that I sense on my face

A calm wind blew pass my body
The wind’s movement, I wish I could see
Smooth as silk the wind’s texture
This feeling install me for an adventure.

Sick

Sinking in the sea of pain
Illness that i gain
Clenching myself to stand this unbearable pain
Keeping myself alive, the situation i am in.

23/0/09

Stop and Listen

Papa: So, how is Nina?
Me: what? Oh… ok. Both of us are fine.
Papa: Argue x?
Me: Normal lah pa org berkapel.
Papa: Hahaha. Skng?
Me: x argue pun. Biasa je.
Papa: ala, mama and papa pun argue juga. Tapi papa x melawan. Papa dengar je and malas nak membebel. Biar mama je marah. Bagi dia luahkan ape yg dia x puas ati, kita dengar, cuba paham dia and pujuk dia.
Me: Ahh, pa. I think you don’t need to tell me that.
Papa: eh, why?
Me: I got that from you.
Papa: ohh! Ok. Do you need to know anything?
Me: errmmmm…… sex?
Papa: ...............gatal.

Well, everybody experience conflicts between their loved one sometimes. It is how we handle it give different result. My relationship with Nina teaches me valuable lessons: lower your ego, the power of listening and don’t resist. I learn that if you try to argue with your love, try to prove you are right and don’t even try to listen what she is saying, it only cause blunder. It will not solve anything. Good things about conflict with your loved one is that you understand your partner and yourself even more and you become mature in life if you handle carefully. Most women not really want their man to solve the problem, but they actually want their man to listen or understand what they have been through. They want a listener. What I have learned from this relationship is to learn to listen to your partner in an open, nondefensive way. Give your partner space for expressing herself. Be present. Accusing, defending and attacking will only strengthen your ego and only provoke your loved one. It will not solve anything. It is better for man not to attack their woman. Just try to listen. Analyse the situation, remove your emotion.
I’m not sure whether I have become mature from this relationship. I wish I am.

Identification with Your Mind

3 months ago, I came across this book. The title of the book is ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle. It was shown in Oprah Show and this book has become an international bestseller. It is a guide to spiritual enlightment (it is not creating a new religion, trust me) but what fascinated me is that he said a lot of conflict, war and other predicaments are cause by our mind. In other words, identification with your mind. This what Eckhart Tolle says.
“Identification with your mind, which causes thought to become compulsive. Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction, but we don’t realize this because almost everybody is suffering from it, so it is considered normal. This incessant mental noise prevents you from finding that realm of inner stillness that is inseparable from Being. It also creates a false mind-made self that casts a shadow of fear and suffering.
The philosopher Descartes believed that he had found the most fundamental truth when he made his famous statement: “I think, therefore I am.” He had, in fact, given expression to the most basic error: to equate thinking with being and identify with thinking. The compulsive thinker, which means almost everyone, lives in a state of apparent separateness, in an insanely complex world of continuous problems and conflict, a world that reflects the ever-increasing fragmentation of the mind. Enlightment is a state of wholeness, of being “at one” and therefore at peace. At one with life in its manifested aspect, the world, as well as with your deepest self and life unmanifested – at one with Being. Enlightment is not only the end of suffering and of continuous conflict within and without, but also the end of the dreadful enslavement to incessant thinking. What an incredible liberation this is.
Identification with your mind creates an opaque screen of concepts, labels, images, words, judgments and definitions that blocks all true relationship. It comes between you and yourself, between you and your fellow man and woman, between you and nature, between you and God. It is this screen of thought that creates the illusion of separateness, the illusion that there is you and a totally separate “other”. You then forget the essential fact that, underneath the level of physical appearances and separate forms, you are one with all that is. By ‘forget’, I mean that you no longer feel this oneness as self-evident reality. You may believe it to be true, but you no longer know it to be true. A belief may be comforting. Only through your own experience, however, does it become liberating.
I am not sure whether this book is kind of atheist or spiritual book.

6 Years

We are going back to maktab
The authorities there are so faktab
It is like living in a lock up
You see Baharum you better shut up
Before his ignorant and anger lit up
Very early you have to wake up
Before kuliah, you need to do a warm up
1.30pm, time up
Other students really like to suck up
Some of the pegawai, hanya pandai cakap
Decision making, they all mess up
This course, I can’t wait to finish up

One more year and then I’m out
Make a name and go all out
6 years of studying
Can make your life boring
But UPM’s life is novelty
Knowledge and experience
that you can cherish sampai mati
From theatre,
you create a new and know your friends,
And sometimes,
it makes you lost a friend,
But lucky me,
I met my lover,
And I never regret meeting her
I began to study and like literature
Because of Dr Edwin’s lecture.
Lucky us, we studied under him
If not, my teaching life turns dim.

6 years of studying
Can make your kepala pening
But these 6 years
of knowledge and experience that you have
Is one of the important things
that you ever have
It shapes your mind
your personality
throughout these years
Based on the events,
experiences
and knowledge
during these 6 years

Goodbye James

To tell you the truth, I’m not that very enthusiastic to go to Singapore anyway. If you read my earlier post about Singapore, it was too sudden and I wasn’t prepared for it. Plus, James was a bit pushy and even called my dad to ask (or force) me to go. And then, something unthinkable happened. After got back from Brunei, I called him about our trip to Singapore. What surprised me was that he actually changed our schedule. Just because he knows that I’m going to drive there, he actually changed plan. My parents’ face changed. They thought that he already planned when to go. The next day, I called him again to confirm when to go. I hate when they plan something at the last minute.

I just got back from West Malaysia and still tired from the trip. Dead tired. He said not sure. Probably Thursday, probably Friday. I begin to hate this guy. He is like using me. My parent got irritated as well. I told him that ‘you better confirm James. Because I’m going back to JB next week. There are a lot of things to do.’ He said Friday then we go. Ok. Confirm. Friday we go. The end. I informed my parent about it.

The next day, he sms me this.

Hi shah! Or should I say Mr. Strauss. Because there is a chance we could leave this Thursday afternoon for Singapore. You can look forward to more Singapore. You can look forward to more time there to browse. You could pack your stuff and be on stand-by this Thursday, couldn’t you?

He just spoiled every plan that my mom and I already planned to do. I asked him to really confirm it because this is too sudden. If my parent hears this, they will definitely piss off.

He sms this to me.

Alright. I will know Thursday morning if all systems, so please pack your bag etc. by then, I really hope to be there by Thursday.

I felt like being used. I feel like a driver to him. I thought James already schedule everything. I told my mom about this and her face changed. She said don’t confirm with James about the trip yet. Discuss with my dad. So, I called him. Told him everything. His tone changed.

He said,

‘Tell James that you are not going there by car. Ask him to book bus tickets to go to Singapore. Sometimes, you need to teach him a lesson. You are not his cabby. That is my final decision.’

‘Pa, don’t you think this is soo last minute?’

‘Xpe, jangan risau. Kata papa cakap macam tu.’

Fyi, my parent never like James. I respect him for his intelligence. But when you become that intelligence, you can be a little bit bossy; you are always thinking you are right and demanding. (Errm, This reminds me of someone). The only reason why we stick with him is because of Kak Yasmeen. A Malay woman who is very humble and kind. I respect her. The only Malay woman that the Mont Blanc company in Singapore respect.

I called James about going by bus. He pissed. He asked why. I said I don’t know. I added that my dad wasn’t confidence with me of driving suddenly. He said this is too last minute and blablalalala. I said that he better called my dad about this. Silence surrounds us. And then, he hung up. A few minutes later, I received a sms.

Shah I am going to Corus hotel tomorrow morning to check whether there are bus tickets TO Singapore and FROM Singapore for return trip. If there are then it will be RM 80 one way. We can get return ticket in Singapore. If there are still tickets. I will pay first for you.

Now, we learn literature, right? Why does the author or writer uses capital letter in their writing? Anyone? Now, look at James sms. He used capital letter on TO and FROM. Capital letter can be used as to stress something important, make someone notice, the sense of urgency or difficulty (I guess). But why James capitalized TO and FROM? Probably he wants to tell me that we are going to Singapore and going back from Singapore. Or, probably to show that it is going to be hard for us to find bus tickets and dreadful To go to Singapore and going back FROM Singapore by bus. Well, this is like literature. Give me your interpretation.

Another thing I want to discuss about this sms is that he told me that he will cover all my expenses which are accommodation, food and transportation. But why suddenly he said “I will pay first for you.” Probably he forgot that he supposes to pay or he just so angry that he tried to make me felt guilty because I owe him. Maybe. Or probably it just in my head. However, one thing that is certain, he is scared of my dad. He hung up after I said ‘try to call my dad’.

5 minutes later, he sent me another sms.

James : Ok. What made him lose confidence in you suddenly?

I said I don’t know. “You better ask my dad. It was his decision”

James : I will. I hope you did not knock down a cat or something. I asked him repeatedly when almost buying air Asia tickets if he really wanted you to drive and he said yes because you need the experience (since you have to drive to JB for school too). I can even get my friend in JB to drive us but this too last minute. And I just found out Yasmeens brother bought the parking coupons for your car already. (Actually, I don’t. I’m used to driving back and forth JB-KL)

I just said sorry and added ‘well, shit happen.”

He sent me another sms.

Shit happens accidently, not decisively. Really if I can’t get a ticket tomorrow I need you to drive. Personally, do YOU WANT TO drive and are YOU CONFIDENT?

I sent him this.

I can drive n ok with it. The idea of me drivin was from my dad. That why u better ask him. It was his idea.

James last sms with me and probably ever.

It’s alright. Don’t worry about it. Let’s see what troubling his conscience. Maybe as a father he is worried about your independent capability because unlike Shafiq who is already working, he feels you are still untested yet and naïve. It is natural. It’s possible he could not say this to me so as not to disrespect you. I can understand. Keeping to his word means nothing compared to making a wrong decision by letting you risk something on your own. And I know how you feel too. It’s never easy growing up with doting protective parents. You get pampered and stifled too. I was once a child too. It can be embarrassing at times in front of more independent friends but parents are human too and they can make mistakes too. Though not everybody can understand or accept it, especially outsiders. We just need to keep on learning with each experience, whether its family or friends. As Steve chandler said, ‘the idea is not to let the mistake be repeated twice.’ So, take it easy and hope we get bus tickets. I spent RM 200 just today calling Singapore to arrange to go there fast.

It seems he wanted me to rebel with my parent by referring me as untested and naïve and comparing me with my brother. I not sure whether shafiq is more independent than me and so on, I know that both of us never compare ourselves with each other. Even my parent. Protective and dotty? My Parent? Hell no. I showed this sms to Shafiq and he was so pissed. Even called James ‘A Bitch’. I said to him ‘No, bastard. Because he is a guy.” “No, he is a bitch. Main sedap dia je cakap macam 2. Dia tu tau sgt ke family kita. Dia sendiri xnk ada ank. Ape yang dia tau.” Whoa. That is harsh. Oh well. I’m glad that I didn’t go to Singapore. That night, my mom called my dad that she does not allowed me to go to Singapore because James using me. Actually, I asked her to do that. I’m tired from the previous trip and felt like being used. My dad said ok. He called James. But before that, I told him about the sms. He just kept quiet and slowly grabbed his hand phone and type something that he would not let me see. After that, James hasn’t sms me since. Case close.

Travelling

My love : Larat x? Bgslah 2. Jauh perjlnn, luas penglaman.
Me : Syg, bkn ke jauh perjlnn, luas pandangan ke?
My love : Dua2 pn leh pakai lh. Eii, cubit kang.

Ladies and gentlemen, I just got back from Brunei and Sarawak. Yeahhhhhhh. After the trips, I have discovered a new hobby; travelling. Based on the sms’s conversation that I had between my love and I when I was in West Malaysia, both of them are true. When you travel, your views about the world are widened and you gain a lot of experience, knowledge, language and skill if you have the chance. I was fortunate to have this kind of opportunity and to tell you the truth, this is an expensive hobby. The process of travelling has it up and down (dealing with people who close with us and locals), but the result, PRICELESS!!! I wish in the future, I am able to go travelling or back packing with Nina when we have the capital and time to do it. If possible, go outside Malaysia. I think it is important for us to travel. I remember when we went to Malacca and I asked Mr. Tham, ‘Is it necessary for an artist to travel?’ He said yes and this is because to widen his views, in gaining idea and look at the world differently if I recalled it correctly. But to me, everyone should travel. Whether you are an artist or not, everyone should. Karim Raslan wrote a lot of articles about politics, art, society and economy when he travels and share it with public. Dr. Edwin also encouraged us to travel. I have many things to say about my recent trips but I am so exhausted and I definitely need a rest. (I haven’t been sleeping well actually). On 26th June, I will be going to Singapore and probably be back on 29th June. So, wish me luck.